The following is something I used to be accustomed to writing, way back when. It's not like the other posts. It's heavier. It's darker. It's realer (?).
I'm not in that place right now. Let me make that clear. I'm nowhere near where I was then.
But. Having said that, I do believe that there are times in people's lives where it's important to say whats on your mind.
I have a lot on my mind. I have for a long time now.
And fear has prevented me from being forthwith about it.
And guilt.
And generally a sense of "do I have the right to feel this way."
(Well, to be honest, I'm going to do whatever I want but still.)
So.
Are you ready for this? Are you ready to actually experience feelings instead of pushing them down the back of your throat pretending they don't exist?
It's about my "story." The way I grew up.
Although, okay no, it's not necessarily about how I grew up. Rather, its about how my story comes across to other people.
So.
The problem with this story is, that, when you try to explain it to people you get two groups:
1. people who are genuinely interested in your life
2. people who think you're too privileged and are bragging.
Unfortunately, since going to university I've encountered the latter more often than not.
To be honest, I didn't realize that bullies still existed in college. Seriously though.
It was like "Mean Girls - College Edition."
As a result, I stopped telling my story, opening up to people, feeling comfortable enough with people to actually tell my story, making new friends.
Luckily this changed when I met people genuinely interested in my life.
(Shout-out to those people, you know who you are.)
I can imagine that everyone who goes to university for the first time feels lonely. I know I did. My parents were thousands of km away from me as were my brothers. I knew virtually no one at university and the fact that the university I went to is an incredibly "clique-y" university, I didn't really make friends all too easily.
Let's just say those first few years were a lot of binge-watching horrible t.v. shows.
But fine, I met people. I went on with life. And now I'm here. Now I'm wondering if I'm even allowed to write any of this.
Do I have the right to write this?
I am lonely. That's not something I want to hide.
But I've had a life full of experiences many people might never have the chance to experience.
But I haven't lost anyone lately (at least not in that sense).
But I have friends who would fight my battles for me and very recently did.
So do I get to talk about this? Do I have no reason to be?
So. You start to doubt yourself. You doubt people. You doubt your intuition. You doubt everything.
Recently, I saw another, disheartening side to mankind.
I truly believed that most people have good hearts.
Unfortunately.
That image was crushed.
Thanks for that.
BUT.
Hey.
I'm a strong independent woman.
Picture me as Beyonce smashing cars in a yellow dress.
Actually. I have a yellow dress.
I know that whatever it is I feel right now will pass.
I know that wherever I am I will have an army of people standing behind me.
I know that whenever I need it I can always go home.
I know that.
Well.
There she goes.
I promise that whatever I write next will at least be somewhat happier.
Actually.
No.
Screw that.
I'm going to write whatever the hell I want to.
I'm not in that place right now. Let me make that clear. I'm nowhere near where I was then.
But. Having said that, I do believe that there are times in people's lives where it's important to say whats on your mind.
I have a lot on my mind. I have for a long time now.
And fear has prevented me from being forthwith about it.
And guilt.
And generally a sense of "do I have the right to feel this way."
(Well, to be honest, I'm going to do whatever I want but still.)
So.
Are you ready for this? Are you ready to actually experience feelings instead of pushing them down the back of your throat pretending they don't exist?
It's about my "story." The way I grew up.
Although, okay no, it's not necessarily about how I grew up. Rather, its about how my story comes across to other people.
So.
The problem with this story is, that, when you try to explain it to people you get two groups:
1. people who are genuinely interested in your life
2. people who think you're too privileged and are bragging.
Unfortunately, since going to university I've encountered the latter more often than not.
To be honest, I didn't realize that bullies still existed in college. Seriously though.
It was like "Mean Girls - College Edition."
As a result, I stopped telling my story, opening up to people, feeling comfortable enough with people to actually tell my story, making new friends.
Luckily this changed when I met people genuinely interested in my life.
(Shout-out to those people, you know who you are.)
I can imagine that everyone who goes to university for the first time feels lonely. I know I did. My parents were thousands of km away from me as were my brothers. I knew virtually no one at university and the fact that the university I went to is an incredibly "clique-y" university, I didn't really make friends all too easily.
Let's just say those first few years were a lot of binge-watching horrible t.v. shows.
But fine, I met people. I went on with life. And now I'm here. Now I'm wondering if I'm even allowed to write any of this.
Do I have the right to write this?
I am lonely. That's not something I want to hide.
But I've had a life full of experiences many people might never have the chance to experience.
But I haven't lost anyone lately (at least not in that sense).
But I have friends who would fight my battles for me and very recently did.
So do I get to talk about this? Do I have no reason to be?
So. You start to doubt yourself. You doubt people. You doubt your intuition. You doubt everything.
Recently, I saw another, disheartening side to mankind.
I truly believed that most people have good hearts.
Unfortunately.
That image was crushed.
Thanks for that.
BUT.
Hey.
I'm a strong independent woman.
Picture me as Beyonce smashing cars in a yellow dress.
Actually. I have a yellow dress.
I know that whatever it is I feel right now will pass.
I know that wherever I am I will have an army of people standing behind me.
I know that whenever I need it I can always go home.
I know that.
Well.
There she goes.
I promise that whatever I write next will at least be somewhat happier.
Actually.
No.
Screw that.
I'm going to write whatever the hell I want to.
*imagines thumbs-up*
